Grief Warrior

Recently I was asked to submit a speaking proposal on a topic for grief that would be different than the usual topics this organization gets pitched.

“So,” they said to me on the spot, “what would you speak about if invited? What’s different about your message?”

“Grief Warrior,” I responded without a moment’s hesitation.

What is a Grief Warrior? I don’t know. It was the first time I ever combined those two words in that combination, words which, at first blush, don’t even seem to make sense when juxtaposed..

But, that’s what came out, and the moment it did, I knew it was exactly what I wanted to talk about, wanted to live and wanted to teach – how to be a Grief Warrior.

As I’ve had time to reflect on it, here is what a Grief Warrior is about.

Grief conveys reactivity. The bereaved have no choice in the death of their loved one.

Grief connotes passivity. We are taught that “time heals all wounds,” to sit, to wait out the grief, and hold on for dear life until the storm passes. Essentially we are taught to be Grief Survivors, and that’s what most of us do – we survive.

Although this is mostly true (time does not heal all wounds), it is not the entire truth. It may be the starting point, however, it should not be the final point.

When death comes calling and takes our loved one, our natural response is to run, to hide, to retreat and to shrink. Everything about our world becomes constricted – our breathing, our thinking, our being, our activities – we begin to spin and our world grows dark.

Nature is wise and we should honor this natural response. We should sit in the grief. We should embrace the darkness. We should hold on for dear life and survive. Please survive!

However, there comes a point in every grief journey when our nature no longer serves us. Our natural response is no longer healing, it is hindering. There comes a moment when the thing we need to do is not sit passively, but to rise up and be proactive – to choose not merely to survive; to choose to live and to thrive.

When is that time? It’s hard to say, but as Chief Justice Potter once said about pornography, “it’s hard to describe it, but you know it when you see it.” The moment arrives for every griever when it’s time to leave behind Grief Survivor, and choose to become a Grief Warrior.
Is it easy? Absolutely not. Being a warrior in any area of life is never easy. Quite literally, it requires us to become supernatural, to go beyond our nature, no matter how much our nature wants to remain hidden in the dark.

Is it possible? Absolutely. I have seen it done time and again. There are Grief Warriors all around us, proof that it is possible.

Is it the OK to “thrive” after our loved one is gone?

Not only is it OK, it is good and it is divine. You don’t serve your loved one by shrinking in your life, remaining in your darkness or simply surviving.

Yes – honor them by grieving fully and then serve them by living fiercely. They don’t want you to survive. They want you to thrive, to become a Grief Warrior. This is why you are here and how those who follow in your footsteps will learn to navigate the darkness when you are gone. Teach them how to become a Grief Warrior by doing the work yourself.

Keep Seeking Sparks within the Dark!

Rabbi B