Light One Candle For Your Loved One
Light One Candle
Recently I was counseling someone who lost her husband a few months ago and didn’t know how to handle Chanukah. It was the first time the family was gathering together since the funeral and her initial reaction was to say nothing about the loss. “I just have to get through it,” she kept telling me. “It is better for everyone if I don’t bring it up, that way we can have a festive holiday and not feel sad.”
Neither she, nor the family, have spoken much about their grief. For her to even be working with me was a big leap, and not something she felt comfortable in sharing with the rest of the family. So, you can imagine the vibe of that Chanukah gathering. I assured her of one thing, whether or not she brings up her husband (their father and grandfather) it is irrelevant. Why? Because, either way, he would be front and center on everyone’s mind, his absence a gaping hole in the center of that room, period.
The choice she had wasn’t whether or not to have the emotions, the feelings, and the sorrow – they were gonna be there one way or another. The choice was whether or not to suppress them or to address them. Either she, and her family, would push them down (to deal with another day), or she would give voice to the sorrow, express the emotions and feel the feelings.
My advice to her was to light one candle, say his name, and see how it feels. Use this as an opportunity to not only dispel the darkness of the night, but to dispel the darkness of your, and your family’s, grief.
That’s what she did. She lit one candle. She passed it to her son who lit his candle from that same flame, and so forth down the line. Her son added some thoughts about his dad. Her daughter added even more sentiments. By the end of the impromptu family lighting ceremony, that flame was responsible for so much light. The stories went on and on, and so will this man. His light will keep shining long after his body is gone.
This holy day season, remember this – your loved one is not dead. They live on in spirit, and they live on in you. You are the guardian of their flame. You are carrying their fire. Every time you embody their worthy qualities, or do an act of kindness in their honor, or make a conscious decision to love more fully and live more fiercely, or simply speak their name – you are guarding their flame and carrying on their light.
This holy day season, light one candle on your menorah, or light a candle on Christmas Eve, and dedicate it to someone you love who has left this world. Speak your loved one’s name. Commit to carrying on their flame. And place that light in a window to illuminate the path for someone out there wandering in the cold, dark night.
This is what will transform a holiday into a holy day, your loss into meaning and your darkness into light.
Even if you can’t have a festive holiday season, you can illuminate this holy day season through speaking your loved one’s name, telling their story and sharing their light.
Rabbi B