Don’t Pass The Tissues

When someone starts crying what is the typical, natural reaction? To kindly offer them a tissue, of course. But what if this isnt’t a kind gesture? What if it is actually quite thoughtless and even harmful? Should you or should you not pass the tissues? That is the question.

You are uncomfortable when someone cries. You say you are not, but you are. I certainly used to be and still am from time to time. Before, I wouldn’t have admitted it, or even realized it, but I eventually recognized it in the way I would always offer a tissue when someone began to cry.

In their book, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler illustrates this point with the following story.

A mother survived two of her three children. When the first one, a son, died, she was so overcome by grief she fell on the casket and cried out loud. Her husband gently pulled her to her feet and the funeral continued. When her second child died, her own mother took her grieving daughter aside before the funeral and said, “Don’t make a scene like you did last time. The tears will ruin your makeup. Do you have any idea how your face looked the last time with mascara running down your chin?” She faced her mother and said, calmly, “Do you have any idea what will be ruined if I don’t cry?”

The authors explain further that in their grief groups there is a rule that everyone has to grab their own tissues. They explain that sometimes when someone starts to cry, everyone grabs the tissue box and shoves tissues at them. While this may be a compassionate response, it often sends the message, “hurry and stop crying.” Also, as we move into the role of caretaker, we are, in essence, able to avoid our own fears of darkness descending as we rush to physically remove or pat dry the evidence of sorrow.

Rabbi B