Vitamin N (No)
NO.
How is it that this is one of the first words we learn to say as a child, and yet it is the single most difficult word to speak as an adult?
In my work guiding clients through what I call, “Life’s T’s,” (Transitions, Tests, Traumas Tragedies…) I’d argue that the inability to say this word, follow through with this word, and feel good about this word, is the source of more suffering than any other issue.
Somehow we have created a society where saying “yes” is loving, and saying “no” is not.
You can’t give too much, do too much, or agree too much (all variations on yes). Say no too readily, too often or too joyfully and you’ll get branded as selfish, as miserly, as heartless. Yes, however, can not be said frequently enough – whether you mean it or not.
But this is a destructive lie.
Saying yes is often the cowardly and cruel path, whereas saying no can be courageous and kind.
“Yes, I’ll be on that committee” you find yourself saying, when all you want to do is tell them, “no.”
“Yes, I will give you money” you respond when it is absolutely not what you feel is yours to do.
Yes, I will take on this project, go on that errand, stay in this relationship, make that sacrifice, when every bone in your body is screaming out to you, “NO! NO! NO!”
Certainly there are times when saying yes is what you need to do, or want to do, so you should do it.
Equally, however, there have to be times when saying no is the right thing for you to do, regardless of how it is received.
Why? Because when you say yes, and you really mean no:
People get hurt, trust gets broken, and relationships fall apart.
You grow resentful, bitter and angry.
Things you agreed to do get dropped, or tossed or fall apart.
People grow wary of you, distrust you and lose respect for you.
Most of all, you lose respect for yourself. You lose your self, your true self. Saying yes to something is saying no to something else – often the truth. Saying yes to someone is saying no to someone else – usually yourself.
Speak the lie long enough, sell yourself out often enough, and sooner or later, you wake up in a lie or look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back. All because that toddler who once said no so honestly and freely has grown into an adult who is terrified of two simple letters.
You want to take back your life, get back to your center, reclaim your authentic self?
Take your daily dose of Vitamin N.
Learn to say yes when you mean yes.
Learn to say no when you mean no.
Love your No.
Speak your No.
Live your No.
It is the kindest, most courageous, most liberating word you will ever know. That is the power of saying No.
Rabbi B